You're going to look back at her profile one day and realise just how much she wrote on your wall. Just how much she posted statuses "with" you. Just how many times she messaged you.
You're going to look back at those messages and realise just how much she cared. Just how much she felt the need for you to be ok. Just how much she was hiding so you wouldn't worry.
You're going to realise what she wanted you to know; her secret meaning underneath her words.
You're going to understand just how much you meant to her. Just how much she needed you. You weren't just her best friend, you were her diary; she told you everything. You were her support; holding her up when she just wanted to fall. You were her faith; as long as you were around she always had hope. You were her reason; you always said the right thing to her to make her see the bright side. And you were her saviour; you held her hand through the dark and never made her feel alone.
You're going to realise how much she thought she meant to you. You're going to realise that all that nagging that started the little fights was little in comparison to the worry and fear she kept suppressed. You're going to realise how much she feared losing you. You're going to realise just how badly she needed you to want to live. Just how hard she fought for you.
But you're not going to know all of it. Some things you wouldn't know or understand unless she told you.
Like how she got in trouble for talking to you for too long.
How she got nagged at to stop messaging you all day.
How people told her to be careful of you.
How she sometimes didn't sleep because she didn't know if you were okay, or if she knew you weren't.
How she had to fight to see you.
How she got teased because she was so close to you.
And unless she told you, you'll never know how she never cared what people thought of you, what they said. She didn't care what anyone said. You were her best friend and no one could change that.
And you won't understand how much it hurt her when you said "forget me, it's probably easier that way".
She died inside. She felt like you were giving up on her. She knew that she had caused you great pain in the past. And she knew she was the cause of your pain at that moment. But she never told you how much it hurt her too, both times.
And you'll realise, maybe, why she never pushed you away. Why she always clawed her way back over the wall you were constantly rebuilding.
She needed you, and she hoped you needed her. She didn't care how much shit she got from people. She didn't care certain people hated her because she was so close to you. She didn't care that at times you were hard to talk to.
She didn't care that sometimes you made her cry, made her angry. She didn't care what problems you had with the world.
She needed you. She needed you, for all your faults, flaws and fractures. For all your perfections, understanding and being. She can't name specific reasons she needs you, she just knows she needs all of you.
She placed part of her heart in your hands, without you knowing. She placed a part of her heart into all her friends hands, but she always assumed you never knew, and she was probably right. And she was there even when you fisted your hand over her heart, without knowing. And she was there when your hands were cold, because your mind was too. She never left. She was there even when some other girl demanded your attention. She was there even when another boy demanded more of hers. She was there when her friends had worried her too, and she was there even when every part of her heart was aching. She never once asked you to look at your hands. She never once asked for that part back no matter how much you put it through. She never gave up on you.
And she's probably still there today. She is probably waiting for you to reply to her message. She is probably waiting for you to meet her.
This is where it should hit you. The meaning of all this. The reason why I wrote this. The reason I felt the need to tell everyone this, because maybe they have someone like this in their life, and don't understand why.
She doesn't have to be your girlfriend. She doesn't have to be your 11:11.
She loves you.
Yeah.
She loves you, her best friend. That's a love that takes more guts than a girlfriend or a boyfriend. It's a love she gives to someone with more strings attached than any other kind of relationship. Anyone who loves their best friend knows how many strings are attached. Every string is an expectation, a job, something you have to do, rules you have to abide by. But she doesn't care how many strings there are. She loves you anyway. She knows that you're hard work. She knows you'll sometimes feel like giving up. She knows you'll try and push her away. But she'll never leave you.
You make her laugh. You make her smile. You make her fall off the bed laughing sometimes. You always talk to her in time of need and you make her forget her troubles.
So, before you reply to her message. Before you meet up with her...
Let it sink in.
Stop trying to push her away.
She isn't going anywhere.
You're going to look back at those messages and realise just how much she cared. Just how much she felt the need for you to be ok. Just how much she was hiding so you wouldn't worry.
You're going to realise what she wanted you to know; her secret meaning underneath her words.
You're going to understand just how much you meant to her. Just how much she needed you. You weren't just her best friend, you were her diary; she told you everything. You were her support; holding her up when she just wanted to fall. You were her faith; as long as you were around she always had hope. You were her reason; you always said the right thing to her to make her see the bright side. And you were her saviour; you held her hand through the dark and never made her feel alone.
You're going to realise how much she thought she meant to you. You're going to realise that all that nagging that started the little fights was little in comparison to the worry and fear she kept suppressed. You're going to realise how much she feared losing you. You're going to realise just how badly she needed you to want to live. Just how hard she fought for you.
But you're not going to know all of it. Some things you wouldn't know or understand unless she told you.
Like how she got in trouble for talking to you for too long.
How she got nagged at to stop messaging you all day.
How people told her to be careful of you.
How she sometimes didn't sleep because she didn't know if you were okay, or if she knew you weren't.
How she had to fight to see you.
How she got teased because she was so close to you.
And unless she told you, you'll never know how she never cared what people thought of you, what they said. She didn't care what anyone said. You were her best friend and no one could change that.
And you won't understand how much it hurt her when you said "forget me, it's probably easier that way".
She died inside. She felt like you were giving up on her. She knew that she had caused you great pain in the past. And she knew she was the cause of your pain at that moment. But she never told you how much it hurt her too, both times.
And you'll realise, maybe, why she never pushed you away. Why she always clawed her way back over the wall you were constantly rebuilding.
She needed you, and she hoped you needed her. She didn't care how much shit she got from people. She didn't care certain people hated her because she was so close to you. She didn't care that at times you were hard to talk to.
She didn't care that sometimes you made her cry, made her angry. She didn't care what problems you had with the world.
She needed you. She needed you, for all your faults, flaws and fractures. For all your perfections, understanding and being. She can't name specific reasons she needs you, she just knows she needs all of you.
She placed part of her heart in your hands, without you knowing. She placed a part of her heart into all her friends hands, but she always assumed you never knew, and she was probably right. And she was there even when you fisted your hand over her heart, without knowing. And she was there when your hands were cold, because your mind was too. She never left. She was there even when some other girl demanded your attention. She was there even when another boy demanded more of hers. She was there when her friends had worried her too, and she was there even when every part of her heart was aching. She never once asked you to look at your hands. She never once asked for that part back no matter how much you put it through. She never gave up on you.
And she's probably still there today. She is probably waiting for you to reply to her message. She is probably waiting for you to meet her.
This is where it should hit you. The meaning of all this. The reason why I wrote this. The reason I felt the need to tell everyone this, because maybe they have someone like this in their life, and don't understand why.
She doesn't have to be your girlfriend. She doesn't have to be your 11:11.
She loves you.
Yeah.
She loves you, her best friend. That's a love that takes more guts than a girlfriend or a boyfriend. It's a love she gives to someone with more strings attached than any other kind of relationship. Anyone who loves their best friend knows how many strings are attached. Every string is an expectation, a job, something you have to do, rules you have to abide by. But she doesn't care how many strings there are. She loves you anyway. She knows that you're hard work. She knows you'll sometimes feel like giving up. She knows you'll try and push her away. But she'll never leave you.
You make her laugh. You make her smile. You make her fall off the bed laughing sometimes. You always talk to her in time of need and you make her forget her troubles.
So, before you reply to her message. Before you meet up with her...
Let it sink in.
Stop trying to push her away.
She isn't going anywhere.
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